Blinded & Bound

I can't believe that I let it get this bad. The other night my mom & I were sitting in the car on the way to our respective Bible studies & my mom starts talking about how she broke up with her boyfriend recently and how sad she is. You know what I said? I looked out the window all smug, judgmental, prideful, disgusting; and I said:

"I have no sympathy for you."

She started crying & said she knew she screwed up but she would hope that if I screwed up she'd at least be able to have compassion & grace toward me. She's never been so right. I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth. My mom is so beautiful, physically & spiritually. She screws up. She makes me feel lonely, sometimes she can make me feel insignificant. She feels lost and she feels alone. But, dangit, she is beautiful. I'll be lucky if I turn into half the woman she is. I actually asked myself, "Did you just say that?". I was on my way to a Bible study that I lead. I was about to go & minister to a group of middle school girls who made me a birthday card saying that I was their "fearless leader". In that moment, I felt like the biggest coward in the world. 3 years ago the Devil started a great work in my life. He planted a weed of bitterness in my heart. The repulsive thing about bitterness is that you don't have to water it for it to grow. You can ignore it & it'll get bigger all the same, as the Devil sticks his foot further and further into your heart.

In a way, I'm glad I said it because more than ever I realized how decieved I've been. When my parents split I decided that ignoring them and closing myself off would never leave me dissapointed. I built a wall between myself & my parents, & myself & God. And while I ripped down the wall between God & I, I didn't realize that it'd never be completely gone until I took down the wall between me & my parents. I've been in captivitiy. I've been blinded & bound. By the grace of God, He's made me a loving person. I love people. I'm compassionate. I'm merciful. And there I was all nasty, saying that I had NO sympathy for my hurting mother. I've never felt like such a hypocrite. What a perfect reflection of how hideous Satan is.

I'm glad that the Light in my life is driving out the darkness. It's not a "pleasant" process, so to speak. It's ugly. I feel gross. I feel... infected. I feel broken.

But, I do know that God is refining me by fire. Little by little He shows me my shortcomings, He shows me where I've let go of His hand.

"... let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne."
Hebrews 12:1&2