During the summer I find myself walking on the boardwalk with friends in the evening a lot. It was only a couple years ago that I became familiar with the "Bucket Preacher". There's a man who flips over a bucket & stands on it. He waves a stiff index finger at people, calling them out in a thick southern accent, the kind you hear in the old movies shouting at black people after the Civil War. So there he stands, pointing his finger at scantily clad young ladies and boys with their drawers too low:
"WHORE MONGERS! THIEVES! LIARS! YOU'LL BURN IN THE PITS OF HELL IF YOU DO NOT REPENT OF YOUR WICKED WAYS!!!"
He quotes scripture... But when I say scripture I mean select bits of scripture like Matthew 23:3--
"You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?!"
Of course, he would typically leave out the rest of the chapter in hopes people don't recognize that throughout Matthew 23 Jesus is speaking to the people of the church.
Yeah, that's a tough pill to swallow.
Anyways, one time I was on the boardwalk with my pastor and 2 girlfriends of mine. We were walking along & heard these teenagers who were taunting Mr. Bucket. "So, you think I'm going to hell?"... that kind of stuff. It's a pretty popular thing to do, actually, go down to the boardwalk and take on the Bucket Preacher.
Anyhow, after the teens started drifting away (I think they got a little bored...), we decided to go up to this guy & just see where he was coming from, you know? There was no plan to start a theological argument with him, no plan to tell him where we came from or that we happened to have a particularly wise Man of God with us.
We approach him and start asking questions. Never have I felt the Spirit hold me back like He did that night. I wanted so badly to kick this guy in the shins, I wanted to rip the wedding band off his finger just thinking about how humiliating it must be to walk around arm-in-arm with him. But I stood there, patiently, listening as he ranted on and on. He told us he's sick of the churches teaching 90% grace and 10% commandment. He decided to turn it around and teach 90% law and 10% grace to even things out. (Yeah, I don't understand the logic to it, either.)
After exchanging some words, and slipping a little bit into the doctrine of it all, trying to see how far we could get him... even though he was clearly so far gone, I had to walk away. I had to go "regroup" I guess. My flesh, my heart, my Spirit, my mind, they were all in conflict. There was a battle going on at the beach that night. So I went and sat down next to this kid on one of the benches. He's sitting there eating some fries, observing. I struck up a conversation with him & he told me that he liked to come and watch this guy yell at people, that it was just plain entertaining. In a way, I can't blame him. I could see how if he wasn't personally condemning you or misrepresenting you then, you know, it would be fun. I might sit there with some fries and a milkshake one night, too, if it weren't for the battle that the Bucket Man stirred up in me.
I considered for a second sharing the gospel with this kid. To this day, I don't know why I didn't. I think it might be because I was learning so much from him, actually. He had pity on Mr. Bucket. I was pissed that Mr. Bucket was driving so many away from the Word of God but Mr. Bench I guess realized the depravity in Mr. Bucket. So me & Mr. Bench sat there and I thought about the fact that Mr. Bucket probably hasn't been shown a whole lot of grace in his life. He probably did things wrong as a kid, made simple mistakes, and was shown no mercy. Or maybe he never did anything wrong but was still punished for his innocence and that's when he decided that everyone else should be punished for being so wrong. Whatever it was... Mr. Bench showed me how important it is to show grace to the graceless. To this day I think about the Bucket Man and Mr. Bench. How representative they are of my heart...
How representative they are of life in general. Someone's always yelling & someone's always listening. Sure, it doesn't seem too profound & this blog kind of seems like a waste. But let's think about it. Let's think about Hillary Clinton & Barack Obama (yes, I just brought that up). Now everyone get good and worked up real quick. Start being infuriated about who's winning and who you want to win. Start preaching at me. OK, good, now keep going while I say this:
I DON'T CARE WHO WINS THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
Yeah, I know you're offended. Whatever.
Let me tell you something:
I would rather live in America with Hillary Clinton as president than live in Kosovo proclaiming independence. Or live in Burma as an IDP.. running away from a malicious, powerful government. Or live in brothels as an unwilling prostitute.
Here we are: the Mr. Buckets of America getting all worked up, arguing, separating, pointing fingers.
And there they are: the Mr. Benches of Serbia, sitting back, relaxing, being entertained.
Because while we go to a warm, cozy home every night, they're stuck on the bench at the beach, eating fries, thinking, lost.
Yet, so peaceful.
It's these people who are shown the true gospel and cling to it. Not questioning rules or authority. But knowing the love of Christ. Dedicating themselves to Him. Forever.
"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far;..."
Philippians 1:21-23
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Blinded & Bound
I can't believe that I let it get this bad. The other night my mom & I were sitting in the car on the way to our respective Bible studies & my mom starts talking about how she broke up with her boyfriend recently and how sad she is. You know what I said? I looked out the window all smug, judgmental, prideful, disgusting; and I said:
"I have no sympathy for you."
She started crying & said she knew she screwed up but she would hope that if I screwed up she'd at least be able to have compassion & grace toward me. She's never been so right. I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth. My mom is so beautiful, physically & spiritually. She screws up. She makes me feel lonely, sometimes she can make me feel insignificant. She feels lost and she feels alone. But, dangit, she is beautiful. I'll be lucky if I turn into half the woman she is. I actually asked myself, "Did you just say that?". I was on my way to a Bible study that I lead. I was about to go & minister to a group of middle school girls who made me a birthday card saying that I was their "fearless leader". In that moment, I felt like the biggest coward in the world. 3 years ago the Devil started a great work in my life. He planted a weed of bitterness in my heart. The repulsive thing about bitterness is that you don't have to water it for it to grow. You can ignore it & it'll get bigger all the same, as the Devil sticks his foot further and further into your heart.
In a way, I'm glad I said it because more than ever I realized how decieved I've been. When my parents split I decided that ignoring them and closing myself off would never leave me dissapointed. I built a wall between myself & my parents, & myself & God. And while I ripped down the wall between God & I, I didn't realize that it'd never be completely gone until I took down the wall between me & my parents. I've been in captivitiy. I've been blinded & bound. By the grace of God, He's made me a loving person. I love people. I'm compassionate. I'm merciful. And there I was all nasty, saying that I had NO sympathy for my hurting mother. I've never felt like such a hypocrite. What a perfect reflection of how hideous Satan is.
I'm glad that the Light in my life is driving out the darkness. It's not a "pleasant" process, so to speak. It's ugly. I feel gross. I feel... infected. I feel broken.
But, I do know that God is refining me by fire. Little by little He shows me my shortcomings, He shows me where I've let go of His hand.
"... let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne."
Hebrews 12:1&2
"I have no sympathy for you."
She started crying & said she knew she screwed up but she would hope that if I screwed up she'd at least be able to have compassion & grace toward me. She's never been so right. I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth. My mom is so beautiful, physically & spiritually. She screws up. She makes me feel lonely, sometimes she can make me feel insignificant. She feels lost and she feels alone. But, dangit, she is beautiful. I'll be lucky if I turn into half the woman she is. I actually asked myself, "Did you just say that?". I was on my way to a Bible study that I lead. I was about to go & minister to a group of middle school girls who made me a birthday card saying that I was their "fearless leader". In that moment, I felt like the biggest coward in the world. 3 years ago the Devil started a great work in my life. He planted a weed of bitterness in my heart. The repulsive thing about bitterness is that you don't have to water it for it to grow. You can ignore it & it'll get bigger all the same, as the Devil sticks his foot further and further into your heart.
In a way, I'm glad I said it because more than ever I realized how decieved I've been. When my parents split I decided that ignoring them and closing myself off would never leave me dissapointed. I built a wall between myself & my parents, & myself & God. And while I ripped down the wall between God & I, I didn't realize that it'd never be completely gone until I took down the wall between me & my parents. I've been in captivitiy. I've been blinded & bound. By the grace of God, He's made me a loving person. I love people. I'm compassionate. I'm merciful. And there I was all nasty, saying that I had NO sympathy for my hurting mother. I've never felt like such a hypocrite. What a perfect reflection of how hideous Satan is.
I'm glad that the Light in my life is driving out the darkness. It's not a "pleasant" process, so to speak. It's ugly. I feel gross. I feel... infected. I feel broken.
But, I do know that God is refining me by fire. Little by little He shows me my shortcomings, He shows me where I've let go of His hand.
"... let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne."
Hebrews 12:1&2
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Love is in the Air...
"What's the difference between a booger and broccoli?"
"Kids will eat broccoli."
Yes-- that was my date's shining moment at dinner on Thursday night. (Also known as Valentine's Day!)
He was about 60+ yrs old.
I went out to eat with my grandparents & one of their friends (Les) at a quaint little seafood restaurant in P-town. I love elderly people. I have a strong belief that anyone who doubts the wisdom of someone significantly older than them is just plain ignorant. Watching Les tell stories about his grandchildren or share about his days in Albania was was nothing less than inspiring. I'm convinced every crevice and wrinkle on his face isn't a result of old age but a result of passion, excitment, and a zeal for life. I'll never forget the way his face lit up when he was talking about the time he treated 12 Albanian teenagers to a meal at the Stephen's Center (my grandparent's restaurant). His voice got a little louder and his wrinkles a little deeper when he said in his shaky southern accent, "I told them they could order anything on the menu. They said, 'Anything?!'. I said, 'Yep, anything, you can have pizza, you can have a burger, you can have both!'"
It was the best date EVER. Afterward I rode home with my grandparents all curled up in a deep blue Afghan in the backseat. I made a rule that no one was allowed to speak English until we got home (except for me, of course). It was pure bliss.
My grandparents asked me about a week ago to come to Albania with them this summer & start a kids program at one of the churches they planted. They said I could work in the restaurant. Visit orphanages. I'd stay for about a month. I'm praying about it. I'm praying HARD. I know that if I stay the Lord will do great things here and give me plenty of opportunities. I know that if I go, I'll never want to come back.
I know that either way, God will be ever-present.
That's why He's my Valentine. & while we're in the mood...
Let me tell you that there's nothing I wouldn't give to be with Him in eternity.
& yet everything I can offer is already His.
What a beautiful sacrifice.
"Kids will eat broccoli."
Yes-- that was my date's shining moment at dinner on Thursday night. (Also known as Valentine's Day!)
He was about 60+ yrs old.
I went out to eat with my grandparents & one of their friends (Les) at a quaint little seafood restaurant in P-town. I love elderly people. I have a strong belief that anyone who doubts the wisdom of someone significantly older than them is just plain ignorant. Watching Les tell stories about his grandchildren or share about his days in Albania was was nothing less than inspiring. I'm convinced every crevice and wrinkle on his face isn't a result of old age but a result of passion, excitment, and a zeal for life. I'll never forget the way his face lit up when he was talking about the time he treated 12 Albanian teenagers to a meal at the Stephen's Center (my grandparent's restaurant). His voice got a little louder and his wrinkles a little deeper when he said in his shaky southern accent, "I told them they could order anything on the menu. They said, 'Anything?!'. I said, 'Yep, anything, you can have pizza, you can have a burger, you can have both!'"
It was the best date EVER. Afterward I rode home with my grandparents all curled up in a deep blue Afghan in the backseat. I made a rule that no one was allowed to speak English until we got home (except for me, of course). It was pure bliss.
My grandparents asked me about a week ago to come to Albania with them this summer & start a kids program at one of the churches they planted. They said I could work in the restaurant. Visit orphanages. I'd stay for about a month. I'm praying about it. I'm praying HARD. I know that if I stay the Lord will do great things here and give me plenty of opportunities. I know that if I go, I'll never want to come back.
I know that either way, God will be ever-present.
That's why He's my Valentine. & while we're in the mood...
Let me tell you that there's nothing I wouldn't give to be with Him in eternity.
& yet everything I can offer is already His.
What a beautiful sacrifice.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Hallowed Be Thy Name
I attend a Bible study for a group of middle school girls every Tuesday night. About two weeks ago, Em & I had no particular "lesson plan" and ended up letting the girls talk about a bunch of stuff that they struggle with or are curious about. Let me tell you, the time we have together is powerful. I think I learn more than they do a lot of the time. I might go so far as to say that these 2 hours of the week are more inspiring than all the other 166 hrs put together (but that all depends on the week). There's nothing like seeing what the Lord is doing in the lives of His followers--especially those of an unblemished, childlike faith. One of our girls shared about how she doesn't read her Bible as often as she should. But, every time she does, she cries. Unfailing. Obviously, we started asking her why she cries. Does she feel guilty? Does she get frustrated? Nope, she just loves reading God's Word so much that she cries. If you ask me, she cries because she sees more clearly than the rest of us that this is God actually speaking. I know that if God came and stood in front of me, pouring His words over me, I would cry, because I don't think there's a more comforting & freeing thing than hearing even the faintest whisper of my Father.
I've been living with my grandparents lately. I was SO hesitant when we moved in. It was the day that I got back from Thailand when I was told "Oh, by the way, we're moving!". Yes, it was unpleasant.
Turns out, God had a plan. Shocking, I know. Beth Moore says in one of her books, Breaking Free:
"The ability to believe God develops most often through pure experience. 'I found Him faithful yesterday. He will not be unfaithful today.'"
Can't wait till I finally grasp that. I have a hard time believing; many people do. But that's another story, another time, another blog. =D
We moved into my grandparents house and you know what I found: God.
His love was written on the walls, His peace is palpable in this household.
I don't live with my dad and it's rare that I notice it. The first year was hell, but it's pretty much uphill from there. So, I never really realize the absence of my father. & he's not really that absent. We spend time together & everything. But even just the physical absence of a male in my home has dried me up so much that I find myself looking for ways to please my grandfather. I keep my room extra clean, I do the dishes, if he asks me to do something I try to go above and beyond his expectations. His acceptance matters so much to me. And, it made me realize why God gave us fathers. At least, one of many reasons; because he wants us to show Himself to us. He wants us to see how much more He can accept and love us. He wants us to look for ways to please Him, He wants to see us going out of our way to hear "Well done."
I want that so bad.
"He said to me, "You are My son; today I have become your Father. Ask of Me, and I will make the nations your inheritance and the ends of the earth your possession."
Psalms 2:7&8
I've been living with my grandparents lately. I was SO hesitant when we moved in. It was the day that I got back from Thailand when I was told "Oh, by the way, we're moving!". Yes, it was unpleasant.
Turns out, God had a plan. Shocking, I know. Beth Moore says in one of her books, Breaking Free:
"The ability to believe God develops most often through pure experience. 'I found Him faithful yesterday. He will not be unfaithful today.'"
Can't wait till I finally grasp that. I have a hard time believing; many people do. But that's another story, another time, another blog. =D
We moved into my grandparents house and you know what I found: God.
His love was written on the walls, His peace is palpable in this household.
I don't live with my dad and it's rare that I notice it. The first year was hell, but it's pretty much uphill from there. So, I never really realize the absence of my father. & he's not really that absent. We spend time together & everything. But even just the physical absence of a male in my home has dried me up so much that I find myself looking for ways to please my grandfather. I keep my room extra clean, I do the dishes, if he asks me to do something I try to go above and beyond his expectations. His acceptance matters so much to me. And, it made me realize why God gave us fathers. At least, one of many reasons; because he wants us to show Himself to us. He wants us to see how much more He can accept and love us. He wants us to look for ways to please Him, He wants to see us going out of our way to hear "Well done."
I want that so bad.
"He said to me, "You are My son; today I have become your Father. Ask of Me, and I will make the nations your inheritance and the ends of the earth your possession."
Psalms 2:7&8
Oh, Play Along
Today the Lord showed me something pretty interesting.
I was sitting in my room spending time with Him this morning and out of nowhere I started to think about what it would be like if I walked out my door and denied the Lord. If I walked downstairs and told my family I didn't believe in God, that I think it's all a lie. Just a big fib. What if I stopped going to Bible studies? What if I stopped attending church & didn't allow myself to pray or worship? Even further, what if I actually stopped believing?
Nothing in my life would be valid. My goals would become vapor. My love for others would have no meaning. My tesimony would become void. If my life was just a hoax--how much more would the One I worship & adore become like a book full of fictional pages in a library of lies?
& while all of this is quite devastating to dwell on,
there's an element of pure ecstasy in it all. For instance, knowing that my life has been built on a solid rock, a firm foundation. Then knowing that the heart that I hold so dear is also the very heart that the Savior of the world has decided to come and live in... forever.
All very comforting concepts. In a way, looking at what I would lose if I lost Christ gave me a better perspective on what exactly I gained when I gained Christ.
And to take it one step further than that, what I give when I share Christ.
But how can they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how can they believe without hearing about Him? And how can they hear without a preacher? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: How welcome are the feet of those who announce the gospel of good things!
Romans 10:14&15
I was sitting in my room spending time with Him this morning and out of nowhere I started to think about what it would be like if I walked out my door and denied the Lord. If I walked downstairs and told my family I didn't believe in God, that I think it's all a lie. Just a big fib. What if I stopped going to Bible studies? What if I stopped attending church & didn't allow myself to pray or worship? Even further, what if I actually stopped believing?
Nothing in my life would be valid. My goals would become vapor. My love for others would have no meaning. My tesimony would become void. If my life was just a hoax--how much more would the One I worship & adore become like a book full of fictional pages in a library of lies?
& while all of this is quite devastating to dwell on,
there's an element of pure ecstasy in it all. For instance, knowing that my life has been built on a solid rock, a firm foundation. Then knowing that the heart that I hold so dear is also the very heart that the Savior of the world has decided to come and live in... forever.
All very comforting concepts. In a way, looking at what I would lose if I lost Christ gave me a better perspective on what exactly I gained when I gained Christ.
And to take it one step further than that, what I give when I share Christ.
But how can they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how can they believe without hearing about Him? And how can they hear without a preacher? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: How welcome are the feet of those who announce the gospel of good things!
Romans 10:14&15
Monday, February 11, 2008
Love & Human Depravity
Ever since Adam & Eve left the garden we have a corrupt view of love. We're forever following our heart into trap after trap & desperation after desperation.
Case & Point:
A good friend started doing drugs a while ago. Dad sends her to NC to live with mom. Boyfriend is still in VA. Girl & boy cheat on on another. Girl & boy make it work. Boy gives girl promise ring. Girl & boy fight too much. Boy hits girl. Girl finds another boy. This one is better. Girl gets pregnant. Girl hates boy.
It breaks my heart that that's how the story goes. But, aside from the Lord, that is ALWAYS how it'll go. Maybe not word for word. But the main theme will remain.
We've been seperated from our Eternal Lover. We'll never communicate with Him again without distraction until the end of time. Did I say it breaks my heart? Because it truly, honestly, literally breaks my heart.
Love
Tell me when we'll see how important it is to love one another. Loving is being involved. Weaping with those who weap. Laughing when your loved one is laughing.
Go. Go Love.
& remember: There is no love aside from the very One who is Love.
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved.
Ephesians 2:4&5
Case & Point:
A good friend started doing drugs a while ago. Dad sends her to NC to live with mom. Boyfriend is still in VA. Girl & boy cheat on on another. Girl & boy make it work. Boy gives girl promise ring. Girl & boy fight too much. Boy hits girl. Girl finds another boy. This one is better. Girl gets pregnant. Girl hates boy.
It breaks my heart that that's how the story goes. But, aside from the Lord, that is ALWAYS how it'll go. Maybe not word for word. But the main theme will remain.
We've been seperated from our Eternal Lover. We'll never communicate with Him again without distraction until the end of time. Did I say it breaks my heart? Because it truly, honestly, literally breaks my heart.
Love
Tell me when we'll see how important it is to love one another. Loving is being involved. Weaping with those who weap. Laughing when your loved one is laughing.
Go. Go Love.
& remember: There is no love aside from the very One who is Love.
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved.
Ephesians 2:4&5
Thursday, February 7, 2008
The Shepherd & His Sheep
Tonight I realized the phenomonal beauty involved in the relationship between the Shepherd & His Sheep.
It's less about the ways that they can 'relate' to one another & more about the dependant nature
of the bond. In ALL things the sheep look to the shepherd's guidance and have faith that he will
provide for their needs & protect them against adversaries. In the most touching way, the shepherd DESIRES to care for his sheep and is so glorified when they trust in him and remain in the flock.
I don't mean to point out too many Biblical parallels because I think it's clear how much this bond has in common with our bond with Christ (-hopefully-). But, when I think about my role as a wandering sheep I realize how brave I think I am. I almost define "a sheep in wolf's clothing".
I try to wander away & discover new things, green pastures that I've found. Then, I think that I'VE got the herd under control. I think that somehow I've been exempt from my position as a lamb & placed in the position of "Shepherd's Assistant" where I get to influence the path, help guide, lead the group, etc. Then come those humbling experiences that say "You are my lamb.. NOT my assitant." I should be equally as humbled & faithful as the rest of the sheep to merely follow and seek no greater position. Because, in reality, there is no greater position than to be a follower of the King of Kings.
It touches my heart that it brings joy to God's heart when we are faithful. And it should be touching, to a believer, that God is ready & willing to leave the faithful and seek out the straying. Not only touching--but motivating. It should motivate us to hold one another accountable when we see the incredible importance placed on each individual sheep that belongs to the Shepherd.
"See, the Lord God comes with strength,and His power establishes His rule. His reward is with Him, and His gifts accompany Him. He protects His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them in the fold of His garment. He gently leads those that are nursing. "
Isaiah 40:10&11
It's less about the ways that they can 'relate' to one another & more about the dependant nature
of the bond. In ALL things the sheep look to the shepherd's guidance and have faith that he will
provide for their needs & protect them against adversaries. In the most touching way, the shepherd DESIRES to care for his sheep and is so glorified when they trust in him and remain in the flock.
I don't mean to point out too many Biblical parallels because I think it's clear how much this bond has in common with our bond with Christ (-hopefully-). But, when I think about my role as a wandering sheep I realize how brave I think I am. I almost define "a sheep in wolf's clothing".
I try to wander away & discover new things, green pastures that I've found. Then, I think that I'VE got the herd under control. I think that somehow I've been exempt from my position as a lamb & placed in the position of "Shepherd's Assistant" where I get to influence the path, help guide, lead the group, etc. Then come those humbling experiences that say "You are my lamb.. NOT my assitant." I should be equally as humbled & faithful as the rest of the sheep to merely follow and seek no greater position. Because, in reality, there is no greater position than to be a follower of the King of Kings.
It touches my heart that it brings joy to God's heart when we are faithful. And it should be touching, to a believer, that God is ready & willing to leave the faithful and seek out the straying. Not only touching--but motivating. It should motivate us to hold one another accountable when we see the incredible importance placed on each individual sheep that belongs to the Shepherd.
"See, the Lord God comes with strength,and His power establishes His rule. His reward is with Him, and His gifts accompany Him. He protects His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them in the fold of His garment. He gently leads those that are nursing. "
Isaiah 40:10&11
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